Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?
They have no Seoul .
Did you know that Iceland…
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
I have seen a kidnapping.
I decided to let the kid sleep
I can’t stand when people kick me in the back of the leg
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Mom wins.
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck. Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?) Her: "It's all stationary."
Teenage boy can’t figure out how his friend gets laid all the time — but he doesn’t
He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees. "All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time." The teenage boy does as instructed, but instead, the girls see him, scream and run away. "What did I do wrong?" the teenage boy asks his friend. The friend looks him over and shakes his head. "Christ, man. You're supposed to put it down the FRONT."
What’s the most sarcastic body of water on earth?
The Crimea River.
Why is mother always right?
Cause dad's left.
Two blondes went out deer hunting…
…and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier." So the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground." "Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our pick up."
How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?
One. They are efficient but not funny.
Did you hear about the janitor who quit drinking?
He cleaned up his act
Shot my first turkey today..
scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section
Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband’s cell-phone
"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway" Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says…
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' … and she's always sound asleep."
A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar
And that was just the first guy
A Redditor walks into a bar
Just kidding, Redditors don’t socialize
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.
A son went up to his dad one day and asked him the difference between hypothetical and reality.
“Well, son, I could explain it. But it would be better if I showed you.” “Ok, dad. How will you do that?” “Go up to your mom and ask her if she would have sex with her boss for $500,000.” So the son asks his mom, and she responds back with “fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok. Now go ask your sister if she would have sex with her principal for $500,000.” So the son asks his sister, and she responds with “Fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok son. Now the hypothetical situation is that we are now millionaires. But the reality is that we live with a couple of whores.”
I adopted a dog that used to belong to a blacksmith.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
My wife just complained I wasn’t listening and walked out of the room
Weird way to start a conversation.
Yesterday I was so hungry I ate a clock
It was pretty time consuming
A woman goes to her gynecologist…
"What seems to be the problem?" he asked her. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!" The gynecologist took a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps, ma'am. They're the stickers off the bananas."
What makes a good tongue twister?
Well, it’s hard to say.
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
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COVID-19 is like Pasta
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
I think I’m done buying trash bags.
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
You know what is really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2