Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I’m hosting a charity event for people who can’t orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come
AMD employee FIGHTS INTEL and NVIDIA employees infront of FANBOYS!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNUMLH-diGw
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!” She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, “You dropped your purse on the floor outside outside McDonald’s. Thank you so much she said, Where is it? I said, I’ve just told you, on the floor outside McDonald’s.
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
I’m reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
I guess China finally got what they want
They managed to coronise the world.
My dad’s boomer friend just posted this. Wife bad. Must kill. Then maybe grill.
https://ift.tt/2KJT4VX
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
It’s just a curd to me.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the Dark.
If someone can explain to me why my heating bills are so high..
..My door is always open.
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
