Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
I have decided not to vaccinate my kids.
I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.
why did the latino man go to the therapist?
to talk about hispanic attacks.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie…
…for Ash Wednesday.
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
When you die which body part does last?
Your pupils, they Dilate
My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing…
Probably because it's a Dell
![[OC]True Story](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/tskwnb5z7u641-400x255.png)
What kind of music does a balloon liseten to?
Pop! Also this is my first joke, so sorry if someone has made it before but I haven't seen it yet
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
My son used to swallow coins pretty regularly when he was a child.
I’ve definitely seen some change in him.
I finally watched Doctor Who
It was about time.
What do you call a girl who refuses to pay her bills?
Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit…I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
I’m deathly afraid of speed bumps,
but I’m slowly getting over it.
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
So I got her some diet pills.
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, “You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?”
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos… poof. He disappeared without a tres.
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar…
I don’t remember the rest.
3.14% of sailors are Pi rates
No text found
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
Why did the bowling alley close down?
The staff went on strike.
