Why is that necessary

What is it called when an amputee does karate?
Partial arts
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
I couldn’t remember if the sun rose in the east or the west
and then it dawned on me
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
A bodybuilder and a blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
My 10yo boy seriously thought I’m an atheist.
Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop…
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two. “Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie. The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears. The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.” The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter. The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie. He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.
I wish tinder had it too.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.

literally they all complain about kids and talk about hating their wife holy shit
https://ift.tt/2Ocoyq2
Im at an Iranian military post
Edit: This post just blew up
People are so sad I’m not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it’s a sobering reminder of why…
…there's never any money in there.
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
No text found
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok
Wookie mistake.
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
It’s just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
I don't have the coronavirus
What did they call the race car driver who won with a hen strapped to the hood of his car?
Number One with a Pullet.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff….
Bah-dum tssssssss
A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ catholic
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
Family friendly, short comedy skits. Hope you enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdyvNZPJZJucPl3l_p191g5IXemEtpOfg
A young lad is tending a bar in a Western saloon, when a red-faced man barges in.
"Quick, everyone!" the man shouts. "Big Frank is coming!" A panic ensues. Chairs are thrown as people try desperately to be the first to leave. One mother just drops her baby on the floor, picks up her skirts, and runs. Several people are badly injured, but eventually the young lad is the only one left. He decides to stay. If he beats this so-called Big Frank, he'll be a hero. After waiting for a solid hour, he finally hears a horse's hooves on the ground outside. Soon, the largest man he has ever seen is squeezing through the door. He has an enormous moustache and a smell that almost makes the young lad throw up. "Gimme a whiskey!" bellows the man. Trembling, the lad pours the man a drink. He knocks it back in one gulp. "Gimme another!" The lad ends up giving the man nine drinks, after which the man still looks totally sober. "Another!" he yells. "You– You have to pay for the drinks you've already had," stutters the lad. The man stares the lad right in the eye. "I'll make you a deal, kid. Let's arm wrestle. If you win, you get everything I own. If I win, I get as many free drinks as I want." "D– Deal," he replies, staring at the man's disgustingly huge muscles. After a long struggle, the lad somehow finds the strength and motivation in him to beat the huge man. They're both in shock, but the big man eventually says, "Alright, kid. All my land and possessions are yours." "Gee, thanks!" says the young lad. I'll be a legend when I tell everyone about this! he thinks. The man says, "Here's your money. I should get going anyway. Aren't you coming?" "No. Why would I?" "Jesus Christ kid, haven't you heard?! Big Frank is coming!!"
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Dad jokes at the grocery store
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"