Why is the air for your tires at gas stations more expensive than it was 20 years ago?
Inflation.
Yes.
Is time travel possible?
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
I’ve met a noble Russian homosexual
His name was Sir Gay
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
My 6 yo asks: “What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?”
I think to myself ‘Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, “R!” Smirking, my 6 yo replies, “Aye, you’d think so, but it ‘tis the C!” Proud moment right there folks!
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
Whats the difference between a dog and a tree?
Their bark 😎
I recently became addicted to viagra..
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
Why are cows bad at dancing?
They lactose.
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted…
They assured him he would be covered…
My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter." "I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable
Damn you, autocorrect
Damn you to he’ll
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Who keeps the children
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to… me or the machine?"
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?
It’s when a British person takes a good look at something
I was addicted to masturbating, now I’m addicted to sex.
It’s really gotten out of hand.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
I saw a midget escaping prison and climbing over the wall
It was a little condescending
What does orange juice and my dad have in common?
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
What should you do when its cold?
stand in the corner, because its 90 degrees there
Where do DJs get their information?
The wiki wiki
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
I absolutely support any scientific effort to create an invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.