Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?
Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.
What’s brown and swings from the belltower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
The rules for religions and penises are the same.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
I know a great knock-knock joke, but you need to start it.
You: Ok, knock knock Me: Who's there? You: …? Me: 😃
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs
Best incest joke? It’s actually pretty hilarious, but I won’t tell you.
We keep it in the family
Why couldn’t the egg quit smoking?
Because he'd Benedicted to it. I thought of this joke over 20 years ago as a kid lol
Got into a fight with a vending machine
Had to knock some cents into it
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets.
A shy man enters a bar
He sees a cute girl sitting at the bar and sits down near her. About an hour later he finally comes up to her and quietly asks her: -Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink? The girl screams: -No! I am NOT having sex with you!! Everyone at the bar turns and stares at him. Humiliated, he walks away. A few minutes later the girl walks up to him and says: -I'm sorry I embarrassed you. See, I am a psychology student and I am observing human behavior in uncomfortable situations. The man turns and yells: -What do you mean for $200?!
My grandfather used to tell me “the day a black man becomes president is the day pigs will fly!”
Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle
When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him. The guy looks at his situation…and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!" Just then, the clouds above opened, and a bright light shined down upon him..and he heard a great, thunderous, but calm voice, and he said, "No, my son..you are NOT fucked. Pick up the large rock at your feet, and strike the man in front of you with all your might". The young man doesn't hesitate. He reaches down, picks up the rock, draws back and hits the chief right in the head. The chief just falls backwards, dead. Plop. The tribesmen all look at the chief, and then look at the young man, with a total look of stunned disbelief. Then the voice from above speaks again.."NOW you're fucked".
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
No text found
I sell balloons for $1 each, or if you want them blown up it’s $1.20.
I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
Son: “mom, dad… I’m gay”
Mom: staring at dad⠀ ⠀ Dad: clenches fist ⠀ Mom: “….don’t” ⠀ Dad: sweats profusely ⠀ Mom: “stop it” ⠀ Dad: HI GAY, I’M DAD
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
What do you call chickens who count their eggs?
A mathamachicken
Man:I am done,i am suiciding. Woman:If you are going down throw out the trash
https://ift.tt/3b882iR
I had 4 cans of alphabet soup this morning…
Now I'm having a huge vowel movement.
How heavy is a red hot chili pepper
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says “Have you read Marx”?
The other says “Yes, i think it’s these wicker chairs”.
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
what’s the most disappointing way to finish a joke?
No text found
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
What is an unborn child’s favorite craft?
Embryoidery!
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
Four men went golfing together one day…
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Who really cares if I don’t know what apocalypse means?
It's not the end of the world
Accidentally glued myself to my autobiography this morning
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
Why did the sun not go to college?
He already has a million degrees
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
