Why is this coming from Kermit? I don’t understand! Help!
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before itโs cool.
People say that I’m a plagiarist
Their words, not mine.
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
A snail slides into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what heโs looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one thatโs built for speed." The snail says, โThis is perfect, but thereโs one thing I want you to do first.โ The car salesman was confused. โWhat?โ The snail said, โI want you to paint a big red S on it.โ The car salesman was even more confused. โWhy?โ Chuckling, the snail said, โSo when people see me driving, they would say, โlook at that S car go!โโ
Why wouldnโt the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
I’ve got two pet monkeys who share an Amazon account…
They're prime mates…
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner
That was my wholemeal.
Your momma’s so fat
Thanos had to clap
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
What is Gordon Ramsayโs favorite subreddit?
Itโs fucking r/aww
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
They don’t do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama.
You never turn your back on family.
What does a goat put on after his pants?
His goatee
I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.
As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti. She giggled and said โI can tell your singleโ. I laughed and asked โwhat gave it away?โ She said โyouโre fuckin uglyโ
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
Whatโs an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
My wife said โYou have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiotโฆโ
It was a third degree burn
Just ordered eggs and a chicken off Amazon.
Iโll let you know.
A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted…
They assured him he would be coveredโฆ