Why is this so funny? ππ
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he’s a stud..
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow Iβm not one of them.
The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket.
I guess it was a moving violation.
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasnβt my waiter.
They ask me if it’s pronounced “NEE-a-list” or “NIGH-a-list.”
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?
They both slowly remove clogs.
I couldnβt find my car scraper this morning so had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice…
Didnβt really work though, I only got 20% off
A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire….
The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.
Color Blind
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Donβt hurt me.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
β¦with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wants to go so they all have to leave.
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
And theyβre going to use AI to take over the world
And theyβre going to use AI to take over the world
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
I donβt know if this qualifies but I laughed when I first saw it and now it makes me sad…
https://ift.tt/2SRCrwy
I bought the worst thesaurus today
Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday…
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
https://ift.tt/2NiAtSj
A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth…
Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before. Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say. After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over. She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?" To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. Iβm the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!β, takes one and jumps. Boris said βIβm needed to sort out Britainβ. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said βI need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.β He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10 year old replied: "Donβt worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
I gave away my empty batteries.
They were free of charge!
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.
'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?' The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
A wife is yelling at her housband βGet out! I hate your guts!β
So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him, β I hope you die a slow and painful death!β He suddenly stops and says, βSo, you want me to stay?β
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isnβt alive?
Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa- Itβs your dog, heβs dead jimmy.
I just saw my friend accidentally take Viagara when he meant to take Ambien.
Heβll be up all night.
I used to know a guy who did circumcision [NSFW]
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans