WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY?!?!!!?
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working, goodbye”
What a liar! I opened the fridge and it's working just fine.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
When you excel in life…
People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).
I told my plumber I was appalled to find my shower would only work for my Caucasian friends.
He replied, "Well, yeah. 'Spigoted."
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
I’d never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it. I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, “Your chest is epic.”
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.” REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! 😀
I can speak time
It's my second language
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."
A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby
A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?" The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"
My future boss asked if i could perform under pressure.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
(more like memeless quarter-of-sunday-and-monday today, starting a little earlier for administrative reasons).Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!Questions can go in this thread today, in the future please send them through modmail.
My dad burst into my room and said, “Wanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.
He said. “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
Women treat me like God.
My existence is ignored except for when they need something.
Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?
Because they did it before it was cool
Tough to be Irish
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?
If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me. URGENTLY!
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?
He pasta way.
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
My 6 month old son has his first milk shake today.
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.
My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a bunch of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn’t stick.
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
I finally told my friend I have been sleeping with his mom…
I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years. It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through. At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother. Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come. I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out and say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
