Why is this so funny to me ๐๐
How can you get to one million karma in a day?
You can, but it has to be a cakewalk
Sony, Panasonic, Toshiba.
They're all stereo types.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
I used to be a Christian
Woman: I used to be Christian. Man: Itโs all right, I donโt really care for those sorts of things. Woman: Thank god! Itโs so much better now that Iโm Christine!
The joke is that this SHOULD be a fake tweet but…itโs real… how .. the …is this real
https://ift.tt/2UtRTPh
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france?
There was nothing but de brie.
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Letโs cross that bridge when we get there.
Canโt a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?
Is it really necessary to ask โWho are youโ โHow did you get in my roomโ โWhy are you nakedโ.
I was just in my local supermarket…
Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of. I called him a selfish b*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself! He said: "Thatโs all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?โ
A Polish man moves to America and marries an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms." LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded. LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one." LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ." LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?" POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her." LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?" POLE: "NO, she white." LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?" POLE: "She going to kill me." LAWYER: "What makes you think that?" POLE: "I got proof." LAWYER: "What kind of proof?" POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read — it says, 'Polish Remover.'"
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
Buhdum tiss
https://ift.tt/2KD8QSE
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy
As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said; "I would like to buy some cyanide," The pharmacist asked her; "why in the world do you need cyanide?" She said; "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got really big and he exclaimed; "Lord Have Mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license,they will throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad stuff will happen. Absolutely not. you CANNOT HAVE ANY CYANIDE." The lady then pulls a picture out of her purse showing him her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says; "Well now thats different You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A truck driver drives during an intense winter strom
The truck driver comes to a stop. The woman in the car behind him gets out of her car and knocks on the truck driver's window: "Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!" The truck driver is confused and continues his path until the next stop. The woman knocks on his window again. "Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!" The truck driver is even more confused and continues to drive. At the next stop, the woman comes to knock again on his window. "Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!" The truck driver gets angry and says: "Would you please shut up! I'm putting salt on the road!"
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big “everything under one roof” stores looking for a job.
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and “nobody wants me on their team” and “I haven’t got any friends”.
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
https://ift.tt/3deHhLa
6:30 is the best time on the clock..
Hands down.
My wifeโs dog died. Soto cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. …
She was furious. โWhat am I going to do with two dead dogs?โ she said.
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
Browsing reddit on mobile? Place your device on your body.
r/dadjokes on you!
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically itโs only a murder if thereโs probable caws.
oh its very racist, but against peple who dont matter, so its ok.
oh its very racist, but against peple who dont matter, so its ok.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. Sheโs dead and berried.
People think that the word ‘queue’ is just ‘Q’ followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.