Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
Atheism,
It’s a non-prophet organization.
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket…
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
Dracula told me to bow in his presence, you could say I was…
Down for the count
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia
She looked up and quietly replied, “they’re right behind you.”
My penis talked to me once…
Turns out he's a real dick.
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
Why did the DJ go to the farmers’ market?
To get some fresh beets.
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
My family treats me as though I’m a god…
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
I slipped on my wife’s bra today…
It was a booby trap
Two guys are digging to the center of the world.
Eventually one guys looks over and sees the other is just standing there holding a pole. "Wears your shovel?" "Yeah, it sure does."
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
Until we learn, history will repeat himself until the end of time
Until we learn, history will repeat himself until the end of time
Why did the duck get arrested?
Because he was on quack
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
Our baby boy was actually born on the way to the hospital.
His name is Carson.
I panicked thinking I was gonna be fired cause I nailed my bosses daughter.
Then I became calm realizing I am self employed.
Democratic Socialism isn’t “free stuff”. It is getting services for your tax dollars.
https://ift.tt/2H6meMP
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired…
They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched arms to his tip toes and was rewarded $520,000 for his creativity. The last general asked to be measured from his left testicle to his right testicle. "Are you sure about that?" the other two asked incredulously. "Yea. Last I remember my right one is still in 'Nam."
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
One goes whack "shit" The other goes "shit" whack
I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.