Why isn’t PI fun at parties?
He just goes on forever
A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper “Wanna hear a joke about blondes?”
Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers "Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe… he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says "OK, FINE… I won't tell the joke… I don't have the time to explain that joke at least three times."
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
NASA was preparing for the Apollo project
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I wish for a great wall around England, protecting her, and all the foreigners were gone". With a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England and all foreigners disappeared. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, double the size of it and fill it up with water."
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
Wow, I just passed my probability exam.
What were the chances of that?
The shortest sentence is ‘I am.’
The longest sentence is ‘I do.’
There’s a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden.
To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
I’m so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
True story but funny.
While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it… tax dollars in action I guess. As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her! I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her. The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"
We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school. My friend said, “What do you think it’ll be like?”
I said, “Remains to be seen.”
A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods
A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods. When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
My fish just ate another one of my fishes but it’s just hanging out of his mouth
https://ift.tt/2G2jC26
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
this is as close as I could get.
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
Me: *wears camouflage*
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
My wife is a body builder.
Yep, she’s pregnant.
A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today’s meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop…
I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room…
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
I once wanted to do biochem research… Turns out I didn’t pass the vibe check.
https://ift.tt/38nW58h
Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I lost my mood ring…
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.