why it is as it is and why it exists at all
That’s Swede of you
A re-seeding airline…
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
Son: I decided that I'm ready to tell you that I'm gay. Dad: *clenches his fist * Mom: Don't… Dad: *sweats profusely * Mom: …. Dad: Hi gay, I'm dad! Son: Dad, cut it out, I'm serious. Dad: Serious? I thought you were gay
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me: “Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer…” pauses for effect “…I guess I let it go to my head.”
She's ayyyyy sexual.
Just for shits and giggles
Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning. After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out of his ass. Of course, he does not believe her claim, and he gets up, as every day before. Enraged, the woman thinks of a solution. Later that day, the woman saves the intestines from the turkey that she has cooked, preparing to give her husband a proper scare. When he's fallen asleep, she puts the turkey intestines in his underwear, and when he wakes up, after delivering his usual sour flatuosity, he is horrified to feel what he presumes to be his own innards in his underwear. As the man rushes to the bathroom, holding his behind all the way, his wife smiles content, asking: "I told you that would happen!" As she hears a grunt and a slopping sound, her husband comes out of the bathroom, a satisfied grin on his face. "Yes," he says, "but thanks to God's grace and these two fingers, all is back where it should be."
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Because he was my newt
I've heard there is 8 stories.
That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
It’s a total rip-off!
400 Million dollars
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
That sail has shipped.
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that they’re seeing it again.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
I told him that was a blanket statement.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
…Is sphere itself.
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator. Edit: Thanks for the gold (career first) :0
Life before that is a blur.