Why, just… why?
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
A young boy asks his dad:
"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?" The dad replies: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, that is confidential."
What’s the difference between an asteroid and a meatball?
One is meteor ☄️
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
I told my wife, “I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”
She said, “Where would you find the time?” I said, “That should be easy. Next to the sage.”
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. Cole’s Law…
Is basically just cabbage.
What do you call a deer that can’t see?
No eye deer What do you call a deer that can’t see and doesn’t have legs? Still no eye deer
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said “While you’re out, get some milk”
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side,…it still works.
I was in New Mexico and a cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows.
I replied, "Yes of course, that'd be 20 cows."
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
What’s the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator. Edit: Thanks for the gold (career first) :0
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
Eating a clock is very time consuming
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What does a fish wear when he wants to blend in?
A gillie suit.
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight..
There would be mass confusion.