Why. Just why
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Your mommaβs so fat…
I tried to picture her in my head and it broke my neck.
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
Keep the earth clean
Itβs not Uranus
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.
The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer. Dumbfounded, he says βHey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!β The bartender said βJust go a head and take a bite.β So the man took a bite and his eyes widened βWow! That tastes just like Coke!β βYup, and now turn it around.β The customer turned the apple with his fingers and took a bite out of the other side. His eyes closed and squinted and after he swallowed he said β Oof, man that tastes just like Jack, and it sure is strong too!β He took his apple with him to a seat further down the bar. A few minutes later another man walks in and asks for a cranberry vodka and Sprite. Once again the bartender reached behind the counter and gave his patron an apple, bright white and shiny, and the patron said βHey, what gives? I asked you for a drink, not an apple!β The bartender said βGo a head and take a biteβ So the customer took a bite and and his eyebrows shifted curiously βHuh, that tastes a lot like Sprite.β βMmhm. Now turn it aroundβ The patron did so, and took another bite, and when he did, he was blown away, leaning backwards and staring in amazement at the apple. βThat tastes just like cranberry vodka! And it sure is boozy!β A few apples later, a third man walks into the bar. Before he can order, however, the previous two patrons exclaimed to him. βDude, this place is amazing, the bartender can give you an apple that tastes like whatever you ask for!β Said the first man. The second chimed in βYeah man, itβs incredible!β He held up his apple βIβm on my fifth cranberry vodka and Sprite!β The new man thinks about his order and says βAnything at all huh? Mr. bartender, I want an apple that tastes like pussy!β So the barkeep reached behind the counter and pulled out a big, pink apple that was almost shaped like a heart. The new customer enthusiastically took a big bite of the apple and after a few chews he violently shook his head in disgust, and spat the piece of apple on the the ground halfway across the bar. βEEEEUGh! That was absolutely disgusting, barkeep, that apple, it… it tasted… it tasted like ABSOLUTE ASS!β Thatβs when everyone in the bar shouted βTURN IT AROUND!β
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
I didnβt understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
I didnβt lose my virginity til I was 23…
other than that, prison wasnβt too bad.
I donβt get any of these dad jokes in this community!!!!
I must not have Reddit right.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
I was once addicted to soap.
Now Iβm clean.
I don’t like thin pancakes..
They just crepe me out.
A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, “Giraffe, don’t smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest.”
The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr sheep, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest." The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing, and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr tiger, don't drink beer. Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest." The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit, and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw, and starts mauling the shit out of this rabbit! The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they say, "Dude, what the fuck? He was just trying to help you!" The tiger turns to them and say, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says "Hey!" Then the horse replies "Sounds good!"
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
When a Tesla drifts,
It's called the electric slide
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
An absolute 10, but also imaginary.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!