Why log when you can print!
Iβm pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
You know why black people love watching sports?
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller!
Two young lads break into a distillery…
One boy says to the other, βis this whiskey?β The other boy replies, βyes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.β
So, little Johnny has a report due for government class…
He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this: I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class. So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant, and got up to get a drink. On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend. He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid's room. The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out. His dad asks, so how do you think it works? Little Johnny says: "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen…"
My boss just told me that Iβm the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
A bear goes to the bar and says “can I get one whiskey………………and one coke”
The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting…
…but all the seats were already taken.
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep…
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
Whatβs angry, calm and white?
My bi-polar bear.
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head. "The Impaler" was my favourite. Well, at least, that's what I thought she said…. Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, β oh thatβs just a freebie.β
Just used some stolen hair dye…
Guess you could say Iβm now… Illegally Blonde
Little billy goes to a whorehouse
Madame: little Billy, get out of here! You're too young and you can't afford my girls. Little Billy pulls a huge wad of cash out of his pocket. Billy: I've been saving my allowance all year, and I've got my pubes. I want to bang a whore. Madame: well, okay. You can have any girl in the house except Sandy. Billy: Why can't I have Sandy? Madame: You don't want Sandy! She's got the herpesyphigonalaids! It's the worst VD ever! You don't want that little Billy. Billy: Yes I do! That's what i want! I want the herpesyphigonalaids. Madame: why little Billy? Billy: I'm gonna bang Sandy and she's gonna give me tje herpesyphigonalaids. Then I'm gonna go home and tonight i'll give it to my babysitter, then when my dad drives her home she'll give him the herpesyphigonalaids. When dad gets home he's gonna give mom the herpesyphigonalaids. Then tomorrow while he's at work mom will give the mailman the herpesyphigonalaids. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERF***ER WHO RAN OVER MY DOG!
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
3 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair
I've heard nothing since.
What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar
I hate that clown from IT.
Always joking around instead of fixing those damn computers.
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because youβve taken my breath away.
Sex with ghosts
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Hamid raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
I can’t believe how many people don’t understand erectile dysfunction.
I mean, it's not hard.
YOUβRE NOT MY REAL LADDER!
https://ift.tt/2OsA7YW
A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks…
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, βWhere did an old lady like you get all of that money?β She replies, βWell, thereβs a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.β The cop asks, βSo what did you do about it?β The old lady says, βI get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!β βThat seems fair enough,β the cop says, βso whatβs in the other sack?β The old lady replies with, βNot everyone paysβ¦β
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
The recipe said, βSet the oven to 180 degrees.β
Now I canβt open it, as the door faces the wall.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said sheβs never going to play scrabble with me ever again
My ex wife misses me.
But her aim keeps getting better.
Whatβs a pirateβs favorite letter?
You would think βR,β but itβs actually the βC.β