Why read the caption once?
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What’s the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick…
How low can you go?
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight
To fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare
What did the one eye say to the other eye?
Hey Between you and me… something smells!
My friend Jay just had twins and wants to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Recently my son asked me why two turtles were playing piggyback.
That's when I knew it was time for the talk. 'Son', I said. 'Those are tortoises'.
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
The Queen was touring a hospital
During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating. "OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims "Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if that is not done at least daily" one of the doctors explains. "Oh…well I suppose that is understandable" the queen says, and they continue the tour. A few minutes later they pass a room where a patient is receiving a blow job from a rather attractive nurse. "AND WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?!" the queen shouts, almost fainting. "Same condition, better health plan."
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
me: No, I kinda just lie there. wife: THIS- [takes off doctor costume] this is why we never role play anymore!
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
No text found
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell people he was a vegan.
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing…
After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"
Son: Daddy my shoes don’t fit right.
Me: That's because they're on the wrong feet. Son: But they're the only feet I have.
What follows two eyes?
Captain.
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him and ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out. “Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says. “The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out. “Jacob got a new bike” “Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says. The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?” Timmy replies “he’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.”
What did the farmer do for his pig that had awful body odor?
He rubbed Oink-mint on it.
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
In college, I was so broke that I couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.
What do young male Spanish cows call each other?
Moo-chachos.
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.
“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.” “You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork…
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.