Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?
Because camping is in tents.
I’ve been trying to come up with jokes about people who don’t exercise
But none of them work out
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses
Then I’ll see what happens
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?
Me: Yes, I’m not kidding you.
Sleeping with the minister’s wife.
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife." "Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "I'm sorry Sir, but my friend is sleeping with your wife right now, he asked me to keep you occupied." The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "Son. You’d better hurry home to your Wife…Because my wife died five years ago."
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…
…the NSA will finally read it.
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar…
And that's just the first guy.
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
BECOMING IRISH
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school.. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mick." Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick." "Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mick?" she asked. "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself…
“He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
What gender is google?
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
My dad used to say “when one door closes another one opens”
He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.
What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.
Finding chemo.
Why did the student not learn anything at Sandpaper Class?
The class had just scratched the surface!
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
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My dad asked me the other day: “Are you even listening to me?”
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods
But its harder to deter gents
orion’s belt is a waist of space…
terrible joke, only three stars
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…
Why doesn’t the moon shave?
Because it waxes
Windows 10 updates be like…
Microsoft: We’ve teamed up with vendors to make our security so good, that no one will ever be able to enter your system again.User: But, how do I get in?Microsoft: WE DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS!
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
