Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
It scares the shit out of the dog.
Little did he know toucan play at that game
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
“You’re much bigger than that.”
By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights. That's all!
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
Luckily I was still up playing my drums
He just can’t part with it.
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
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"Is it something I said?" "Yes."
Me: “Sundae School.”
I've only got myshelf to blame….
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
All of ‘em, I hope!
Because he can neverland.
Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently there’s a vas deferens
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks. The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!" They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!" The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher. "Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."
It was a hootin' nanny.
“Oh, she’s retired,” he said. “Now she lives in Chicago—and Denver.” … (Credit: This comes from the “Random Thoughts” chapter at the end of “The Thomas Sowell Reader” – quite an interesting (and occasionally amusing) book.)
A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there’s a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.
A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says… "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says, "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. The man who wants to enter, having no beard eventually walks up to the bouncer and says, "I'm with the police." Raising an eyebrow, the bouncer asks where his beard is. Pulling down his pants, the man replies with, "I'm undercover." The bouncer lets him in.
Beer nuts are $2.50, deer nuts are under a buck
…until the pressure got to him.
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