Why snapchat? Why?
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot (i posted this to r/cleanjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?
Light Blue
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
What do they call Miley Cyrus in europe?
Kilometry Cyrus.
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ….
What did the arm wrestler who won the tournament say to the other wrestlers ?
I had the upper hand
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
Only one person can stop LeBron
That's LeBrain….
I began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip…
As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan. He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room. "Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now" Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims: "Comrades! You must not say these things! Don't you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!" The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible. "Really? Then how do you explain this?" He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds. "I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please." And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar. The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep. Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing. Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning. "I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime." "B-but how come they didn't take me?!" "Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke" (translated from Russian)
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom." Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone. Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award. Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "I’ve seen it a few times but no doubt many people haven’t. No reason a good joke can’t be posted bc someone’s posted it in the past."
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra.
There is too much sax and violins in it
Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
My new girlfriend is so needy…
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"
BECOMING IRISH
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school.. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mick." Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick." "Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mick?" she asked. "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims
Why do HK police go to work early?
To beat the crowds.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
Am I just overthinking or do others also feel like this
Am I just overthinking or do others also feel like this
I can’t stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
When does a new joke become an “old” joke?
After you’ve reddit.
Milk is the fastest thing on Earth.
It's pasteurized before you know it.