Why sushirious? 🤡 shirt credit rdbl.co/30O5Ido
Any slayer fans here?
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well…
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
Not gonna lie.
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
I’m not worried. Are you worried?
I don’t get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach…
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.
Oh god oh fuck this can’t be real
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
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Today I said to my (male) colleague, when he was dressing
Looking sharp looking fresh, 10 out of 10 would smash!
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?
Fruit of the tomb
La mayoría de los fines de semana
You know why they named it the “bell”
Because it has a nice ring to it
My first meme
Not the #BeBest Economy in our History
The French fencer
There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his ego grew, so did his desire to put on a show. He staged fencing events in different environments; from sword fights in the Himalayas to duels in shark tanks, he won match after match. One day, he decided to host a fencing match in a submarine, which would be broadcasted to millions of viewers. When the day arrived, he was confident in his ability, but his opponent was relentless. Rather than being a pushover like the previous contenders, the match consisted of back-and-forth thrusts and lunges, with both participants straining to concentrate under the din of clashing metal. Eventually, both participants reached a tie of 14 points, meaning whoever received the next point would be the winner. The French fencer went for a feint, but his opponent was not fooled. It was quickly parried and his opponent sent a blinding return thrust into his sensor, earning the last point. The French fencer was devastated. After so many years of training and so many years of being undefeated, his reign was over. He turned to confide in the captain of the ship. What could’ve been the reason? Was it the pressure from so many viewers? Or was the water pressure from being deep-sea throwing off his game? The captain looked at him and replied, “don’t stress about it son. Ripostes are pretty common in this sub.”
my 7YO hit me with this one this morning
7YO: Knock knock! Me: Who's there? 7YO: Europe Me: Europe who? 7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!
I’d be a terrible NASCAR driver
because I'm always right.
Old meme but just a reminder that i’m still like this
Pushups are the best form of exercise.
Don’t know if this belongs here
Child abuse fune
Zoom’s data center engineers when online classes begin
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
My parents disapprove of my new job
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
and kids… that’s how AI will take over the world
What do you call a line of blonde people?
A barbie queue
I am ready maryam!
My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
Brown Man Bad
Not the moo moos :(
Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The king and queen of clubs.
“Doc, I think I have ADHD. I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”
Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works. “But I keep losing my Focus!”
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra
There's too much sax and violins
What do you call hiking US college students?
The walking debt.
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
I’m not saying it though.
Little man complex
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words…
Stop shaking the ladder you little shit
Me handling Exception in best way.
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!" "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's fully groan.
Nasty but smart
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
Weren’t you? Weren’t you though?
Thanks for proving us right Bloomberg!
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
Stop saying life is a joke. It isn’t.
A joke has meaning.
A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… "
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
SMBC: Mission to Mars
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a support Trump. T.Shirt for 2 weeks. So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
String Theory: And I vibrate
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
Kids are so dumb
Walking through the mall with my 9 yr old and a kiosk saleswoman waves a sample of lotion and asks ‘A gift for your daughter?’
I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!' She thought that was pretty funny.
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
I’m entering into the world’s tightest hat competition
I hope I can pull it off.
I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic?
The surgeon said: go ahead, knock yourself out.
Ungrateful little sh*t