why tell a joke ONCE when you can tell it TWICE?
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
My dad died after no one could remember his blood type for a transfusion
As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
Mom, what’s dark humor?
Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap. Son: But, Mom! I'm blind! Mom: Exactly.
Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
They are Santa's star bucks
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
So I was building a fence the other day
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
On her wedding day, the mother of the bride has a talk with her daughter.
"Sweetheart," says she, "your husband-to-be is a great catch. Handsome, kind, and rich. But he's Greek. And you need to know something about Greek men in the bedroom. There will come a day, maybe soon maybe not, but the time will come when, during intimacy, he'll ask you to "roll over." When that happens, don't say another word to him. Just come straight home to me." The daughter promises that she will do as her mother asks. But she's nervous about it. The wedding goes forward without a hitch, and so does the honeymoon. The couple gets on fabulously together, in the bedroom and out. When they get home, the marital bliss continues, and the young bride discovers that she has quite a sex drive. She initiates sex even more frequently than her husband. And the bride's mother's warning never becomes relevant. On the couple's first anniversary, they have a fantastic, romantic night out. And when they get home, the have sex for a solid three hours straight. After all that, the husband leans over and whispers in his wife's ear "honey, roll over for me." The woman bursts into hysterical tears. She jumps out of bed, and begins to pack her bags. "I'm going home to my mother," she wails. "Honey, what's wrong," her husband begs. "Let me fix it," he says. "My mother warned me about yiu on our wedding day! She told me that one day you would ask me to "roll over." "Of course, darling," the man replies. "But don't you ever want to have a baby???"
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
What’s the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator. Edit: Thanks for the gold (career first) :0
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a very long poem, but it’s pretty deep.
They say “You are what you eat”, and they are right.
A few minutes ago, I ordered some “Ready to eat” chicken, and now I’m ready to eat chicken.
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
You may be young enough to understand tech, but damn that’s a boomer tier joke
https://ift.tt/39ET2Jk
A blind man enter a bar…
and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind man replies “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Don’t be mad at lazy people
They didn’t do anything
Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial?
He was trans-bender
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
If you drop a plate of roasted pork…
…are you still considered ham-fisted?
Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.
I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!
I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".
My wife says that she won’t let our newly born son have an insect surname.
But I'm quite Adam Ant about it.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.