Why the country has to to take care of Republicans during the pandemic.
My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction
So I packed my stuff up and right
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
My calculator is missing the minus button….
But on the plus side it still works.
I can’t stand when my wife
tells me to sit
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on." The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sake, buy yourself a razor!"
Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks…
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What’s the difference between a constipated owl & a blind sniper?
One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit
I ain’t sayin she a gold digger
but she did migrate to California in 1849.
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they’re a keeper.
My wife and I had a fantastic wedding
Even our cake was in tiers.
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
I’ve created a new word
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
What color is a window?
Well, the answer's pretty clear…
A wise sage once told me, “don’t play with words…
play with yourself"
OK. I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
I find bone puns very
Humerus
I just drove my truck into a building!
Good thing I opened the garage door first.
If you insist, we can make love… but in credit card position!!! Contactless!!!
https://ift.tt/33Km3RC
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
What is Bruce Wayne’s favorite food?
Goth Ham
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
I just found out there’s no popcorn in popcorn shrimp
I guess there’s no need to try pot roast.
What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner?
A vaccum cleaner.
Why did the lawyer go to culinary school?
He wanted to be a sue chef.
I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet
Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.
People say I pronounce my b’s and v’ like a Russian…
Then Soviet…
Did you hear about the psychic midget prison escapee?
He’s a small medium at large
Recently I bumped into the guy that sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out…I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on…
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
My dad said he’s going to a concert.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.