Why the dumb cat?
What’s a snail on a boat?
A snailor
I’ve never particularly liked those Russian nesting dolls…
They're so full of themselves!
I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower…
They all replied "How did you get in here??"
The King of Spain is now quarantined on his jet
The Reign in Spain will stay mainly on his plane.
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He’s a small arms dealer.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble bee
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks “What kind of music do you like?”
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
“Hey dad. Have you seen my sunglasses?”
“I don’t know. Have you seen my dad glasses?”
The store near me is having a sale on batteries.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
A Boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do. He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, “So he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half,” The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where’re you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”. “Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager. The boy replied, “There all just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota,” the manager said. The boy replied, “Really!? What team did she play for?”
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
What did I say when greeting the fashion designer?
"Nice Jimmy Choo."
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.