Why the fake twitter screenshot?
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
Well Trumpy you’ve got 402,000+ people to visit and “embrace” atm. Better get on it.
https://ift.tt/39ORxHL
Kid: what does a condom do?
Dad: nothing, apparently.
“Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Hatch.”
"Hatch who?" "Bless you!" Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
I lost my job at the quarry…
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
My wife just said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”
I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation
My friend helped me get into beekeeping. He gave me some to get me started.
He said they were freebees.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
Earlier today, a man was seen robbing a prosthetic limb factory.
Witnesses say he's armed and dangerous.
I recently poured concrete for the foundation of a house.
The plot thickens.
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters Wife : never H : pistol, three letters W : gun H : disgust, three letters W : ugh H : charity, four letters W : give H : female sheep, three letters W : ewe H : Pixar movie, two letters W : Up
Do locomotive engineers ever actually do their job?
Or are they always just training?
Daughter: “That armored truck looks like an ambulance.”
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
I have a fear of over-designed buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.
I’ve been working on it tirelessly.
How do you turn Six into Nine?
Remove the S
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!
I wanted to tell a cashier joke.
But I didn't think it would register.
Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same….
Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal…
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.
We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.
I got banned from the secret cooking society…
For spilling the beans.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
Seven has “even” in it.
That's odd.
I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins…
…because they've been breaking camels' backs for years.
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
What do you say to your sister when shes crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
