Why the fancy text?
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
I was a soap addict.
But now I'm clean.
if 666 is all evil
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
Sausage jokes. They’re the wurst, aren’t they?
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I suffer from really bad migraines.
Which is better than suffering from really good ones.
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. “So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.” The second man says: “I arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.” The third man says: “I arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.”
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s the scenter
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect
What has a head, a tail, but no body?
A coin Source: my 7 year old sister
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, Pokémon’s with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, Pokémon’s with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
The new sex position is called Brexit:
It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
The doctor says it's terminal
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.
He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.” “Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.” “I do,” the man answers.
What movies are rated 3.1416 stars?
Pirated movies
Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped…
I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.
Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
What do you call a mermaid that hosts a radio show?
A podcaster.
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.
Now, I'm completely Hans-free
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it’s going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Impeccable timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
Apparently “I’m sorry” and “My bad” are same thing
unless you're at a funeral [Demetri martin]
-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?
-Have you tried shaving your mustache? -No -Well you should, Karen.
Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “what’s the WiFi password?”
The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first.” So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?” The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.”
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
I asked 100 women what their favorite soap in the shower was.
The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"