Why the guy I just fired didn’t tell me sooner?
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
![Home made 4D cinema [NSFW]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/2v2x88ohi6941-400x583.jpg)
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says… Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.
Why does 10 have PTSD
Because he was in the middle of 9 11
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute …decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
The joke is that this SHOULD be a fake tweet but…it’s real… how .. the …is this real
https://ift.tt/2UtRTPh
Success is like pregnancy
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.
Midgets and Dwarfs…
have very little in common.
Two hunters lost in the woods
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth.
Tonight I took my son to hockey practice and realized my wife forgot to pack his jersey from the dryer.
She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over" Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over" Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
My ex wife drowned in coffee
Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant
I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
