why they gotta say it twice
A man is walking through the woods…
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible… are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
I went skydiving today.
The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
A cow got into the marijuana field…
Now the steaks are high.
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
If having a big dick was a crime
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
I found out the secret to making money…
But first, let me introduce you to todays sponsor Raid Of Shadow Legends.
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Wonāt be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, āOh pun the door!ā
My friend wouldnāt stop telling me bird puns
Little did he know toucan play at that game
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
What concert cost 45Ā¢
50Ā¢ ft. Nickelback.
Why do teenagers love meat so much?
Because meat is Protein…I…I should go
I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery
Hashtag nofilter
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
My wife embarrased me by ordering a racially insensitive drink at Starbucks today…
She ordered a Black coffee, I quickly apologized to the barista and said, "I'm sorry she meant to say an African Americano."
How do bees brush their hair?
A honeycomb.
What is a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading
Just so everybody is clear
Iām gonna put my glasses on
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, āWait! Iām a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, āAnd you will dialogue!"
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
No text found
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
Iām not sure what he laced them with but Iāve been tripping all day.
My wife said, āI dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.ā
Chuckling, I asked, āHow about the ones like mine?ā She retorted, āThose, they gave away.ā Not to be outdone, I said, āI had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.ā She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, āThat's where they held the auction.ā
My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped.
Itās his worst fear – hare loss.
(My dad literally just told me this joke) A friend of mine just bought a hand gun from a t-rex.
Heās a small arms dealer.
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing…
They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!" The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed. "I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out." The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?" "Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman "Yes." replies the fish. "Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?" "Yes." "And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?" "Yes." "Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?
A re-seeding airlineā¦
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.
A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot…
"Wow, there's so many buttons and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
As a guitarist, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauperās cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didnāt know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like Iāve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played āAmazing Grace,ā the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, āI never seen nothinā like that before and Iāve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.ā Apparently, Iām still lostā¦