Why tho?
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
I can explain…
https://ift.tt/39ehIIv
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I smell is MOLASSES!"
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
The President of the United States saves the economy from the COVID-19 slowdown.
https://ift.tt/3ac8Pj8
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
Thereโs only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, โCan I at least Taekwondo?โ
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women
God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m…" Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!" God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess you are stuck with the multiple orgasms then."
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
What are pornstars paid?
Income.
The best dad jokes are unplanned
My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue. โWell, thereโs glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..โ My 8 year old chimes in, โDaddy, whatโs snoo?โ My immediate response? โNot much, whatโs new with you?โ My journey to the dark side has been complete.
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite Reddit sub?
IT'S FUCKING r/aww