Quarter pounder with cheese
Those were the Good Years.
For my black jeep…
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
Since, she is a private tutor, of course.
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Working in IT can all be very exhausting. For all the chief information security officers (CISOs), IT directors, technicians, and any other IT administrator out there grappling with these complex issues, this blog can hopefully bring a smile to your face on a topic, that can typically be exhausting.https://ift.tt/33YMqDH
A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world. After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village. The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard. Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?" Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! " Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists… Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life? Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! " Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? " Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine. Gramps: "…….. One day I got lost in the forest….. "
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?', she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives. The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college. On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening. Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him. At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02. The bartender was astounded– he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to, "Whole Don here for just one minute!" I will not apologize.
Now I have a bitcoin.
He said it was his pleasure.
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny. But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too." It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it. You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me. In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter. This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends united and bonded over how corny your dad was. Your friends stopped caring about trying to impress your dad and each other the second he ordered boneless cheese sticks with a big stupid grin. Corny dads make themselves lightning rods for cringiness so the lightning doesn't strike someone else. Source
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
[M] And asks to try on some of the suits. The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. “These are all terrible!” The customer cries. Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, “Fine, suit yourself!”
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.
The odds were against me.
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are to be killed and skinned, and that their skins will be made into canoes to float on the pool as a permanent reminder, but in one last act of mercy, he will grant them one last request, so the Frenchman pipes up, "I would like a knife, Si vous plait", so he is brought a knife and he plunges it into his chest, "you savages will never kill me! Vive la France!" and he dies. The Englishman is asked what he wants and also requests a knife, and also plunges it into his chest, "you will never kill me! God save the Queen!". The natives then turn to the Australian, and surprisingly he requests a fork, they oblige and hand him on, and he starts stabbing himself all over, the natives are looking in surprise and he looks at them and says, "well there goes your fuckin' canoe"
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
When you’re eating a watermelon.
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
Sorry, I can't tell you.
I just can't think of one atm
My dad didn’t beat cancer