Why Tumblr, Why?
Why was 11am afraid of 12am?
It hated the dark.
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn’t suck…
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on
The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him. Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they thought he was dead. The man replies, "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fuckin great!"
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.”
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road. Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized. I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him. "Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked. "Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it." "Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
During a war, Communists are Russian
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Study shows women are turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver watch out
My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
But I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
What do u give a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog
I’m trying to form a really good pun about yoga, but it isn’t working out.
I know, it was a stretch.
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
A man applies for a job as a lumberjack
Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience? Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years. Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked? The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir. The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara desert? Well sure, that's what they call it now.
My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles today..
His next poop could spell disaster.
Why does Orion’s belt only have three stars?
Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
Have you guys tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing!
My favourite laws
1. Thermodynamics – energy cannot be created or destroyed 2. Murphy’s – anything that can go wrong will 3. Cole’s – thinly sliced cabbage
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.