Why two? What was the need of it?
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
Joke
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” – We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
When a knight in Prague dons his armor…
…the Czech is in the mail.
I spent all night trying come up with a dad joke
When suddenly it dawned on me
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
Came across an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
Why don’t ghosts like rain on halloween?
It dampens theirs spirits.
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
What is often at the beginning of a question
No text found
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:’Talking Dog For Sale.’
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars" the owner says. The guy says "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?" The owner said "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop
Daddy, what is clickbait?
No text found
I took two pairs of socks golfing
In case I got a hole in one
The (mis)information superhighway
The (mis)information superhighway
What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve. (I’ll let myself out…)
My dad kept making a joke about interrupting cow
He was obviously milking it
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
Tried drawing my girl who passed away, will not try drawing again. Sure do miss her though
https://ift.tt/2BWHv9f
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
I just found an origami porn channel
but it's paper view.
A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free." The farmer agrees. The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet. As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"
If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.
Because sin90 = cot45.
I went to the gym almost every day this week
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of you will understand that