Why was 11am afraid of 12am?
It hated the dark.
Because he’s got little legs
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
Must be the high Mercury content.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist
It's fucking r/aww
I said, "Take your phone off silent." That's when the fight started.
Anna one, Anna two!
when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?" The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?" The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you." The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"
But it really went downhill fast.
Cause he doesn’t wanna be spotted
But then i turned myself around.
A patient bursts into his therapist’s office and shouts, “Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I’m trapped in a deck of cards!”
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
No one will be crossing the finish line
Flywaii (please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
"Well, you're half right."
Nothing it just waved.
She's a nightmare
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
I gave him a glass of water
You won’t get a weigh with this!
I am unable to deal with the current situation..
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.
It was the father, son, and the goalie host.