Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because today they got into a fight, and 2021!
Happy new year y’all!
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.
Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it. I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
A book fell on my head yesterday
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
Did you know?
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
How do you make somebody curious?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
Little Johnny is back
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'." Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johhny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…
Stephen King has a son named Joe
I’m not joking, but he is.
Nobody likes my joke about paper
It's tearable
You know, cardi b looks alright
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
Two jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
“Meat Patty.”
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one?
A retail store.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
Why did the jalapeño ask for the window to be closed?
He was a little chilly.
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?
… so they can beat the crowds!
A horse walks into a bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?” The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am.” And poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “ I think therefore I am.” But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
Did you hear about the guy who got the hand transplant?
He's feeling much better now
I started a ship building business in my attic
Sails are going through the roof!
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
$10
So a guy walks into a brothel. He only has $10 in his wallet, but he's truly desperate, so he asks the madam what he can get for it. She says "nothing. Try your luck in the streets or come back with some money." He says "please, I'm so desperate. Isn't there anything you can do for me?" Reluctantly, she says "well, we have a chicken. I suppose for $10 you can do what you can with that." The guy's unsure, but he hands it over and goes for it. Surprisingly, the chicken feels pretty good. He gets off and goes home. Next week, he goes back to the brothel with $10 and says "hey, can I see that chicken again?" The madam says, "I'm sorry, sir, the chicken passed away. But we do have a show tonight. Admission is just ten dollars." He agrees and squeezes into the auditorium. Two beautiful women are licking each other all over. He nudges the guy next to him and says "hey, this is pretty good!" The other guy says "you should have been here last week. They had a guy fucking a chicken!"
I’m divorcing my wife…
"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"