Why was 79 sad?
Because every play has a cast.
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
They were out standing in their field
They saw our review. 1 star
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis Edit: some of us don't spend our lives on r/jokes and as such don't realise things are reposts.
I can do it with my eyes closed
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
Now I have Heinzsight.
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.
They both get stoned after sex
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
I avoid meet.
"Who's the lucky man, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
Zero school shootings so far this year.
I prefer to see it as a plus
His blood tested positive for Coke.
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But… you did touch the glass!" exclaims the Englishman. The Scot replies: "Aye, that I did. Here's your quid, and thanks for the cheap whisky."