Why was 79 sad?
cos 81
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast.
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
Why haven’t aliens landed on Earth yet?
They saw our review. 1 star
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics
What’s Forrest Gump’s Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis Edit: some of us don't spend our lives on r/jokes and as such don't realise things are reposts.
What does a goat put on after his pants?
His goatee
I’m so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
My family treats me as though I’m a god…
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
What’s the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?
I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
What’s the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Who's the lucky man, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
I don’t often tell dad jokes…
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
Congratulations USA
Zero school shootings so far this year.
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
Why did the Pepsi rep get fired?
His blood tested positive for Coke.
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar.
The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But… you did touch the glass!" exclaims the Englishman. The Scot replies: "Aye, that I did. Here's your quid, and thanks for the cheap whisky."
Where does 100 equal 60?
A microwave.