Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
“Hey son, what are you drinking?”
"Soy milk" "Hola milk, soy padre"
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
I really hate spheres.
They just seem so pointless to me.
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roaminβ Catholic…
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
A man and his date were parked on a back road at night, far away from prying eyes when his date stopped him from going any further.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest…
…when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!" The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. They run until the get to an open field and come across a deer doing lines of coke. So the rabbit again says, "Deer my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel sooooooo good!" The deer looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and skunk. The three animals then come across a bear, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up. "Bear my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel more alive then ever!" The bear looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls and eats the little rabbit friend. The skunk and deer watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Bear, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The bear answers, "That little assclown! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have – about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course the man said – "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "…this goes even higher than I thought…"
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Why do graveyards have fences?
Cause people are dying to get in.
Mexico called.
They are willing to pay for the wall now.
I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess theyβre aimed at a younger audience.ο»Ώ
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, βMy dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.β The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. βVery good,β said the teacher. Next, Mary said, βWe are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.β The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before theyβre hatched . βVery good,β said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barneyβs turn to tell his story: βMy dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.β βGo on,β said the teacher, intrigued. βAunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.β βGood heavens,β said the horrified teacher, βWhat did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?β The child said: βStay away from Aunt Karen when sheβs been drinking.β
A guy walks into an empty bar…
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" π
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
How do you find put how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
I like the sound of βfiancΓ©β
It has a ring to it.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes
You knock on the door.
My mum always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
Whatβs the difference between golf and skydiving?
One goes WHACK! then βuh ohβ and the other goes βuh ohβ then WHACK!
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n
