Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxicabs
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes” I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
eBay is so useless..
I tried to find a lighter and they had only 45324 matches…
You say the punchline first
How do you ruin a joke?
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them. The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back….
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
I cry every time after sex.
I hate prison.
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
My wife gets me.
https://imgur.com/7qGI8AL
A teenage boy and a teenage girl are in a relationship, and it was going rather smoothly. . .
. . . The girl asked eventually told the boy that if he would come over for dinner, meet her parents, and make a good impression, that she would reward him by making whoopee with him. He was pretty excited for the first time, so, being a responsible young man, he immediately went down to his local pharmacy to buy some condoms. But, since it was his first time, he didn't know what kind to buy, so he asked the pharmacist for help. The pharmacist spent a good hour discussing the different types of condoms, what they do, etc. He then asked the boy what his choice was. To which the boy responded, "Well, since it's my first time, I'm try the family pack." The pharmacist rang it up for him, and the boy left, excited. Finally, the big night arrived. The boy was very nervous, but he was determined to make a good impression on the girl's parents. Everyone sat down for dinner, and the mother said, "Let us bow our heads and thank the good Lord for this meal." Everyone bowed their heads and said grace. When they were finished, everyone looked up . . . except the boy. He continued to bow his head and mumble in prayer. After a solid twenty minutes, the girl tapped him on the leg and whispered, "I never knew you were so religious." The boy whispered back, "I never knew your father was a pharmacist!"
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters Wife : never H : pistol, three letters W : gun H : disgust, three letters W : ugh H : charity, four letters W : give H : female sheep, three letters W : ewe H : Pixar movie, two letters W : Up
One of my friends stole all the DVDs of my horror movie collection.
In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn’t.
Noah was standing on the deck.
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.
My friend told me she made synonym buns
I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.
