Why was Heisenberg bad at sex?
Because when he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum. And when he found the momentum, he couldn't find the position.
Guy runs into a bar, yells “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
I just lost my mood ring
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
A priest and a rabbi go to a remote lake for a swim.
All of a sudden, two buses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi’s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "Rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognise me by my face."
“Jesus loves you” is a great thing to hear in church…
It’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
The guy who stole my diary just died…
My thoughts are with his family!
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
In French we don’t say ‘ninety nine’…
..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'
3 blondes are lost in the desert
They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles. Luckily, a fakir just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish." The first blonde wished she was an excellent swimmer. And with a snap of the fakir's fingers, her physique changed. She ran off and tried to cross the river, but the crocodiles ate her quickly. The second blonde had to rethink, and decided to ask for a rowing boat, as swimming proved to be no option. Without hesitation a rowing boat appeared before their eyes. She got in, and rowed across. But when she was barely halfway across, the crocodiles broke enough of her boat to let it sink, and she too was eaten. The third blonde had to think really hard. (Mind you, she took her time.) After a while, she exclaimed: "You know, I always wanted to try a different hair colour." and as soon as she was finished talking, her hair colour changed to brown. "OH!" she then said "Look over there, a bridge."
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you call a group of Russian pessimists?
A so-be-it union.
![ITS INDESTRUCTABLE!!!! [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/mqitq2lixh441-400x400.jpg)
Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.
Runs in the family.
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000 Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it. Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much! Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?
An algebraille equation.
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
I took a test to check whether or not I have kleptomania.
It wasn’t my test, but I took it anyway.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
So I walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer:
And i knew right away that this isnt working out
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
(NSFW) A bra, some jumper cables and a battery walk into a bar…
They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round. It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate" Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"
How do you console Thanos when he’s upset?
Bruh, Just Snap out if it
