Why was Pavlov’s beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Why did Shakespeare always write using a pen?
Pencils confused him…2B or not 2B?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
My friend David lost his ID…
Now I call him Dav.
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.
Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling." Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting." Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on." All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob. Her Majesty: "Now what's this?" Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes.
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok
Wookie mistake.
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves up to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You said she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”. He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now it's aware wolf
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
Because Shower Thoughts doesn’t allow images I guess
Because Shower Thoughts doesn’t allow images I guess
A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.
The devil took him to the first room. The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again. The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man hurriedly asked for option 2. So they went to the next room. This room was filled with rocks. The man could make out Obama continuously smashing rocks. The devil said "That's his punishment. He must smash rocks for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man asked for option 3. This room was magnificent. It had a massive king size bed, a table full of delicacies and just the works. On the bed, the man saw Trump having sex with Mia Khalifa. The man jumped with joy and exclaimed "This room! I pick this room!" "Are you sure?" the devil asked "Yes definitely!" "Okay then, Mia you can leave. This man here will be taking your place."
A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says – “Talking dog for sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??" "Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”
So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!” He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”
My dad kept making a joke about interrupting cow
He was obviously milking it
I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night…
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
You know what’s really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2.
Rest in peace to boiling water
You will be mist
What do you call a sad coffee??
Dippresso
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
My wooden leg stepped in poop
Sorry about the shitpost
My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said: "They're right behind you."
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71. Sorry guys.
What do you call friends you eat with?
Taste buds.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, NO ATMOSPHERE
I’ve spent the last four years looking for my wife’s killer
but no one will do it
I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.