Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
No matter how popular they get
antibiotics will never go viral.
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child…
I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
If life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic
It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers…
You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
A good number of my friends are racist.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
It’s hardly known this, but one of Shakespeare’s characters actually died at childbirth.
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
In a nutshell, an acorn is just an oak tree
No text found
I was going to make myself an omelet this morning.
But then, I realized I would miss being a person so I didn't.
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
Click here to find out!
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s
I told him I knew a bit
Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?
He was on stage one day and said "Uno…dos…" and then he disappeared without a tres.
What do you call a beehive that has no exits?
Un-bee-leavable
Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
I’m addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell.
I love foreign axe scents.
Today a girl kissed me…
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
What did the necklace say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I’ll hang around.
A guitarist goes to prison
In the cafeteria, everyone is telling stories on why they’re here One man explains how he got caught robbing a bank Another tells the story of him getting busted selling drugs Another says how he killed someone Then they all ask the guitarist why he’s in here He replied: I fingered the wrong minor
I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.
Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.
A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.
He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight. The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile. At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display. And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night. Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars. The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking. "Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh." "I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now." This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them. He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess." The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display. The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer. "It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."
Where did captain hook buy his hook
The second hand store
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
What’s the difference between children and lesbians?
Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
I quit my job at the helium gas factory
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
