Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.
Professor told dirty jokes in class
Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes,they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the protest. In the next lecture,in the beginning of the lecture he said : "in Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them : "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the afternoon. "
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the mars?
The food is great but there’s not much atmosphere.
My Reddit account has been hacked. If anyone gets a message from me about meat
Just ignore it, it’s spam.
My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin
It's what he would have wanted…
I saw 2000 pounds of quarters the other day
That’s a ton of money!
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
I can’t believe how many people don’t understand erectile dysfunction.
I mean, it's not hard.
Republicans must be flipping their shit over this blatant nepotism within our government!
https://ift.tt/37vjKDx
What do you call a fear of giants?
Fe-Fi-Phobia
Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving?
It scares the dog.
I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of cheese at me.
I looked over at him and shouted, “Well that’s not very mature is it??”
My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die
"Usually an overdose", I said
I want to be a pick-up artist
But I don't even have a drivers licence
Won’t blame ya’ll if u don’t find the man on the right as familiar as u find his name.
https://ift.tt/2V491Ld
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag
The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts playing the piano. The bartender is amazed, and so he asks the guy, "Where the fuck did you get this?" The guy replies, "I asked this genie. You can ask for something if you want, but be careful, he don't hear very well." The bartender greedily snatches the lamp out of the guy's hands and says, "I want a million bucks!" All of a sudden, POOF, a million ducks appear in the bar. The bartender who is outraged asks, "What the hell? I asked for BUCKs, not DUCKs?!" The guy says, "I told you, he doesn't hear very well. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
I mixed an orange flavored soda and a twig once…
…it was fantastic!
What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..
Put in my too-weak notice.
How come teddy bears don’t eat anything?
Because they are always stuffed!
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.
I know because they told everyone within two minutes.
I switched the labels on all my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Two women were playing golf
The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going,he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.