Why was that necessary?
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
A man walks into a bar
As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?” The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?” The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
What’s the fastest way for Harry Potter to get down the mountain?
Running, jk rowling
My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.
And I'll fucking do it again.
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
Did you hear about the Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting?
It's alright, nobody came.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually it's more of a wrap.
If Harry decided to take up painting now he’s stepped back from the royal family…
…he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.
We named him Carson.
Did you hear about the atheist charity?
It was a non-prophet organization!
So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers…
… and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them. "What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!" Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying, "Tickets please." The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said, "Tickets please." They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on. "That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!" After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them… and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all! "What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train." On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying, "Tickets please." All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematicians door and said, "Tickets please."
I absolutely support any scientific effort to create an invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
I once met a girl with twelve nipples.
Sounds funny. Dozen tit.
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.