Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
What did the farmer do for his pig that had awful body odor?
He rubbed Oink-mint on it.
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.
We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.
My uncle’s zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died
from being crushed by a giant crab.
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?" The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island. After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her" To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you" "My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days" The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man… And what is your final wish?" "Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you" The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work" Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"
Four engineers get into a car. the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says : "its a broken starter" The electrical engineer : "dead battery" The chemical engineer: "impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer: "Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.
A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby." The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!" The nurse goes away. Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying. She asks, "Why are you crying"? The man replies, "I work for Seven Up."
(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
That shit was nuts!
what happens when the pope dies?
another popes up
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card..
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "You know, one would have been enough."
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
How to tell if your rich
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
I once knew a dyslexic, agnostic, paranoid insomniac.
He'd lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
My wife yelled at me, “You’re not even listening, are you?!”
I shouted back, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation!”
What’s ET short for?
he’s got small legs
My friend told me he was using sodium hydroxide to clean his pillows
What a weird thing to lye about
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
What do you call a Nun who walks in her sleep?
A roamin' Catholic.
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Who the fuck does that.