Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
On the news: “nearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every year”
Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,
“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 98 votes short…”
My girl asked me if I were to have a threesome which of her friends I’d choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to choose one…
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women
That Robert Pattinson meme really is everywhere!
No one:Employee to tech support: “My computer is pretty slow”The computer:https://ift.tt/2SrlG9N
My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.
A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him. -"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked. -"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!" -"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?" -"Well, wherever I went people started clapping!"
A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.
The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!” The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles. The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is showered in delicious meat. The third dinosaur, not to be outdone by the other two says “I want a meatier shower!” Edit: Thanks for the silver!
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
You know what jokes are trendy these days ?
Inside jokes.
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
Have you guys heard about these new corduroy pillowcases?
They're really making headlines!
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives…
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he's a web designer
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
Damn you, autocorrect
Damn you to he’ll
I’m going to name my first son Kelvin
Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.
I'm the real part.
What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
It’s always communism. Everything that they don’t like is always somehow communism.
https://ift.tt/3aQ6Gt8
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
What is a tree’s favorite app?
Sapchat
Juggling seems fun
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
Machine learning: “I’m as intelligent as human beings”. Also machine learning:
https://ift.tt/36gtLDH
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
where have you been for the last 20 years?
I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
