Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts
The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw him into the mainstream.
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
My son asked me: Dad did you get shot in the army?
No son. I got shot in the leggy
How fast does light travel?
a. 10,000 km/s b. 100,000 km/s c. d. 1,000,000 km/s
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…
"Are you the friar?" he asked. The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
I was diagnosed as colour blind today.
It really came out of the purple.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
News paper comics can be funny sometimes but they’re easily subject to boomers.
https://ift.tt/2wT7Fdw
I applied so much spray deodorant in 2008 that a man suffocated.
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
Grimey
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters! For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
I’m one of the best barbers you’ll ever meet. The only thing I’m bad at is bleach highlights.
But that's just splitting hairs.
I have a fetish for the final paragraph of an essay.
I just came to that conclusion.
A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.
His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties." Husband asks:"Which people?"
A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller
“I want to open a fucking checking account.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
I always wondered if Disney could pull off a good tiger villain.
They Shere Khan.
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We’re a cover band.
I was going to study Nietzsche’s philosophy.
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl…
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov
I hate those annoying Russian Dolls…
They're so full of themselves…
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
My grandpa’s “triple pun”
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
Did you hear about the guy who got the hand transplant?
He's feeling much better now
