Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot 🥕
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.
"How did you know it was dead?" his teacher asked "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said. "You did what?!" the teacher shrieked. "You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and it didn't move!"
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Turtles.
She said hardback? I said yeah with a little head.
A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money…
So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
What do you call a cage without five cents in it?
A nickeless cage.
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
Some dude dies and goes to Hell
"Oh shit" "Na", says the Devil, "Don't listen to that Abraham fella, we actually have a lot of fun down here! Do you like bacon?" "Of course" "Well", continues the Devil, "You'll love Mondays then! Everybody gets a pallet of bacon and you eat until you can't eat anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you have a heart attack 'cos you're already dead!" "Hmm, I could get used to that" "Great!", smiles the Devil, "Do you like gambling?" "I'm partial to a bit of Blackjack, yea" "Then I have some good news for you", explains the Devil, "Every Tuesday we go to the largest casino in the multiverse and you gamble until you can't gamble anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you go bankrupt 'cos you're already dead!" "OK, this is starting to sound pretty good" "I knew you'd come 'round", replies the Devil, "Now, do you like drugs?" "Yea I am a junkie" "Fantastic!", exclaims the Devil, "You'll be looking forward to Wednesday! Everybody gets a great big bowl of smack and you smoke until you can't smoke anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you overdose 'cos you're already dead!" "Can this place get any better?" "You bet!", replies the Devil, "Do you like sodomy?" "Um…no" "Oh", the Devil trails off, "Thursdays are going to be tough on you then".
Communist jokes can be funny
But only if everyone gets them
Do u know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone ?
Can’t hear a vitamin
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Someone stole my gate
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
It all
The title says it all.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
Two guys are digging to the center of the world.
Eventually one guys looks over and sees the other is just standing there holding a pole. "Wears your shovel?" "Yeah, it sure does."
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
This is a Fibonacci joke.
Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
A man arrives to the airport with three bags
A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?” The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossible!” He counters, “That’s a lie, you did it last time I flew with you guys and I didn’t even ask!”
When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!
