Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I can't see them anywhere.
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.
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Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
My thoughts are with his family!
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
But none of them work.
It hasn’t come out yet!
I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.
When he found out he was madder than hell.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
weighs as much as the other two combined
Because she wanted to make her mind.
He used praypal
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large…
so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help. The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous surgeon in the world to get some help. The man asked “Surgeon, is there any surgery you can do to make my penis smaller?” The surgeon said “No, but I think a shaman might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous shaman in the world to get some help. The man asked “Shaman, is there any spell you can cast to make my penis smaller?” The shaman said “I can help you with your problem. All you have to do is ask the most beautiful woman in the world to sleep with you. The man was discouraged after getting so close to his goal, but he decided he had nothing to lose so he went out to find that woman. The man asked the woman “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Ew, no.” The man was about to give up when he realized that his penis shrunk by 5 inches. Curious, he asked the woman again. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Didn’t you just hear me? I said no.” The man’s penis shrunk again by 5 inches. He realized that if he could get the woman to say no one more time, he’d have a 10 inch penis, which was the perfect size. Excited, he asked the woman one final time. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman, enraged, said “Are you deaf? How many times to I have to tell you so that you understand me? NO, NO, NO!”
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one. Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replies "No son, you're not!" So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ." He says "No son, you're not." The drunk says "Look I can prove it." He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
Because he's too focused on his Korea.
She still isn't talking to me
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
Looks like I’m in for a wild December.
He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger, “Oi! What animal is that then?” “That’s a moose,” the ranger replied. “A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”
The title says it all.
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
He had a narrow S cape.
Now he has toadal recall.
I was sad until she told me "Don't worry I'm just kidding, nothing could be father from the truth."
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
So I made her stand in front of a deep fat fryer.
It’s all over town.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!" That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story: Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.
I don't know why
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."