Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
I have a scary joke about math but…
I’m 22 to say it.
Lions, Humans, music, oh my!
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
A pretty girl kissed me today
I wish I could post this in another subreddit.
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these salads to table six then."
I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore
Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Christmas is coming
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
Are you the replacement teacher for my class today?
Sorry, wrong sub
A slice of apple pie is £2.50 in Jamaica and £3 in the Bahamas
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Why is “o” the loudest vowel?
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason…
…details are sketchy.
My son didn’t cope well with going to jail.
He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] …“The men I please are none of your damn business!”
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
I gave all of my dead batteries away today,
free of charge.
Sausage jokes. They’re the wurst, aren’t they?
No text found
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.