Why was the Genie angry?
Because someone rubbed him the wrong way.
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Father figure
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
Why is 1 = 0
cos 0 = 1
I tried to re-marry my ex wife
But she figured out I was only after my money.
3 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair
I've heard nothing since.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
I hate spelling errors!
You can mess up just two letters and your whole post is urined
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
I hear in Africa they tried an experiment where they blessed the rains
It was a Toto failure.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Bilbo awoke one morning to find that a Tesco supermarket had been built next to his house
That's an unexpected item in the Baggins area!
A bad workman always blames his fools…
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
One of them is an elephant.
Robin: Did you name all of the products in the bathroom after yourself Batman?
Batman: Of course not. Robin: Batshampoo? Batman: Okay, yes there is that. Robin:……… Batman: But there is also Conditioner Gordon
What do you call the bad part of Italy?
The spaghetto.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Why has the U.S. Surgeon General suggested to cook smoked turkey this Thanksgiving?
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
I’m legally changing my last name to Osophy
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re
Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks “can someone pass me the dam fish” on which the priests son replies “that’s the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking fries”
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
My neighbor had a BBQ party, and some guest threw a grill at his face.
The attack made headlines.
What did the burger say to the bun?
I'll meat you in the middle.
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed
When we broke up she went fucking bananas