Why was the virgin left hanging?
No text found
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
While Trump goes off the rails about Russians helping Sanders lets not forget.
https://ift.tt/2unJRh4
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
Where do drunk sea flowers go?
Alcoholics Anemones
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
How did the vegan start eating meat?
Cold turkey.
They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
Juuls aren’t that bad
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
I want to post a walkie talkie joke,
but I need to think it, over.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
Waiter: Do you want a box for your leftovers?
No. But I'll wrestle you for them.
Coronavirus isn’t Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s Fault. Sars wasn’t Brush’s fault….
And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
Why was Heisenberg bad at sex?
Because when he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum. And when he found the momentum, he couldn't find the position.
‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome…
Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells "‌‌gnihton", w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.
I’m hosting a charity event for people who can’t orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come
It Snowed last so I made a Snow man
8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 – Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes. EDIT: For those you who seem to be angered by it, I'm saying the joke Ironically, alright? Sheesh people
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
Bro you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class…
She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
The only thing Flat Earthers fear…
…Is sphere itself.