Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
I’ve gone bald, but kept my comb…
I just can’t part with it
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
I went to a “Put An End To Sarcasm” meeting.
"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day. I said, "My legs."
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
Why do people carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
What’s the difference between kung pao and the coronavirus?
One's Chinese take out, the other takes out Chinese.
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman…
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better…" and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956…". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
Don’t be sarcastic with a kleptomaniac.
They take everything literally
I don’t like braille porn
It's all fingering.
I entered a pun contest once
You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.
I’ve just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.
It's a step-by-step guide.
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
I asked my boss, “Can I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, “It’s May!”
I countered, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey
What do you call a kinky dinosaur?
A Doyouhaveasoreass
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
What award did the inventor of the knock knock joke win?
The No bell prize.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”. “Hey, mind your language!” says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”. Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. “Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop. “Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop. “No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest. “Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”. So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. “Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her. “My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked. “No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a fucker”, says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!” The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. “Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest. “And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop. “And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:“ You know what?, You cunts are alright.”
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%
The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.