Why were the melons forced to have a small wedding?
Because they cantaloupe.
Courtesy of me sick and loopy at the grocery store.
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.” “Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.” Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced ,“You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.” “It's nothing,” said the father. “We're glad you were able to come.” Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello! Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss was sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything.” After they finished dessert, the father said, “There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.” The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we're bastards?” “Yep,” said the father, “and cheap ones too.”
“I’m going to guess—-around a yard.”
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit… I quit being your son." Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning. It was glorious. *Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk
I’m gonna put my glasses on
Pupils, coz they dilate.
Fill it with spring water.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.
Corona did what Trump promised
She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!
It’s not a beautiful poem but it is deep
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
Then it dawns on me
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot
My ex got hit with a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Because they have little anty bodies
He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls. "What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man. "I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply. "Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man to a sumptuous palace, more glorious than anything on earth. St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life. The man replied, "In life, I was Pope John Paul II." St. Peter said, "Let me show you to your quarters," and led the Pontiff to a tiny shack made of the crudest materials imaginable. When St. Peter returned to the line, the man started shouting. "That isn't fair! That was the Pope, and you put him in a terrible house, while some nobody of a lawyer gets the finest palace imaginable! This just doesn't seem right." St. Peter shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? We've got hundreds of popes up here. It's the first lawyer we've ever had."
Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck. Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?) Her: "It's all stationary."
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow that has been knighted? Sir Loin What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky What do you call a cow that dies in a helicopter crash? Kobe Beef
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
But there’s too many drawbacks
Happy April Flu’s Day!