Why would I be productive when I could just not?
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
I am surprised I didn’t get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.
It was about a week back.
My wife just gave me a restraining order..
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander….
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
What do you do with an English prostitute
You give her a pound, then you give her a pound
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles
She said 'hardback?' So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'
I saw a woman crying in the supermarket
So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit. It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 in the car park
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
Police officer: “I’m here to inform you that your son burned down the school”
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
A man goes for confession …
The priest says “Tell me son why are you here” “Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death.” the man replied. The priest taken aback replies , “Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession? “ “Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic.” the man replied. “This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way” the priest replied. The man replied , “ Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ? “
What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?
Nickel-less Cage!
Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
I made a website for orphans
There’s no home page