why would you add that
Contain the spread.
Should we tell em
My favourite joke: Now Hiring
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads: "Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer." The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. "Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you're a dog." The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs. "There's no way you're bilingual." The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
I told my wife, “You are so skinny.”
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
To keep things in perspective…
I’m reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
I walked into a homeware store.
Came out with a jacket made of bricks and some shoes made of marble.
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
Go away Cupid!
My ex wife drowned in coffee
Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant
How do planets clean themselves?
They take a meteor shower! ☄️
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
Wife: honey I’m pregnant, we’re going to have our first kid
Husband, with tears in his eyes: Hi pregnant, I’m dad
Could you imagine the alphabet without the letter B?
It's easy, if you make B leave.
Having a bad time
Inspired by a post that was inspired by a recent post
Recursion is love
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith. "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
This is what decades of underfunding education has created
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
You want to lobby, You pay tax! Comprende!
Once you’ve seen one shopping center…
You've seen the mall!
People tell me that my phone is more powerful than the computer that put astronauts on the moon.
Yet when I use my phone to navigate it will tell me to turn when there is no turn. But I guess it makes sense since there aren’t a lot of turns between Earth and the Moon.
This is epic 😂
This makes me more enraged than humored
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant
They changed my mind
Shoutout to my grandparents
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
Another political pushover.
Tell, don’t show
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… “Donald , duck!”
Give some :)
So true it hurts
Two satellites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
¿Por que no los dos?
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
I’ve just got back from Schizophrenics Anonymous.
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?” He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”
Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Anyway I made it
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
umm…Lewis, are you alright?
I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”…
He’s a small arms dealer…
Both Google and Firefox sent cakes to Microsoft’s Edge team
I chuckled at this
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my things and right
I once farted in an apple store.
They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.
Daddy is home
He finally said something factual
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
6ft from priests.
Being from the US I fully agree.
A blonde joke
Two blondes are walking down a country road. They come upon a fence along a field. One blonde looks across the field and says "Hey, look at the flock of cows!" Her friend says "HERD of cows, you dolt". And she replies "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there".
Australians don’t have sex